I know I have been a bit of a slacker with the Weight Watchers updates. It’s not that I stopped the program, it’s just that I have been trying to get back into posting outfits. And maintaining Wardrobe Oxygen (by the way stop on over there to enter to win a $100 gift card to Shopbop!). And raising a kid (for those who visit my baby blog, yeah it’s a ghost town over there lately). And having a life (went to Lilith Fair on Tuesday and tonight going to see Galactic at the 9:30 Club).
So my plan is to do a weekly post on the same day of the week for Weight Watchers updates. Then those of you who don’t care know when it is and can skip, and those who DO care will know when to expect them. I was thinking Wednesday so I can have the cute post title of “Weight Watchers Wednesday” but Wednesdays are usually utterly insane at work, and it’s the day before my weigh-in so sort of a weird choice.
I have chosen Friday. Friday is when I need the motivation to not kill all my weekly flex points on weekend vodka tonics or nachos, to get up and move instead of snuggle on the couch with Emerson and my husband. To stay on track. And I figure for those of you who are also looking to remove weight, it is a good day for you too. So no cute title, but I will work darn patootin’ hard to have these posts each Friday.
So what has been up with me in the past two weeks? Well last week I missed my meeting because the DC Metro system is a big honking piece of crap. It took me almost two hours to get home because a tree fell on some track in Silver Spring or something of that sort. I don’t weigh myself outside of my Weight Watchers weigh-ins – I used to do that in and right after college and I was obsessed with the scale. A change of one pound could cause me to binge or to be too upset to even leave the house. I have always weighed more than I look, so I don’t really like to think in pounds, I think in how I feel and how I fit clothing. So no clue how I did two weeks ago.
I went yesterday, and I lost 0.6 pounds. This means since I have started, I have not gained. But I sure haven’t lost a lot. I am working really hard to not have this bug me.
I haven’t lost a ton, because I am not being a perfect Weight Watcher. I don’t exercise nearly as much as I should. I ate brownies this week. I had my Lean Cuisine in the office fridge, yet still ate the catered lunch from Corner Bakery. I drank a beer last night even though I finished my points, AND it wasn't light. I know this. I am not perfect, and I do slide… often.
But even so, I am not gaining, and I am not hitting a plateau. I don’t feel deprived, I don’t feel punished, and I do feel that I am adding teeny tiny baby step lifestyle changes every single day which will add up to a body change for the entire future.
This week I went to the Lilith Fair, and I knew an all-day festival where I couldn’t bring my own meal was a Weight Watchers disaster waiting to happen. Do I deprive and get pissed off, drinking my water and eating my Fiber One bar? Or do I have the beer, the fries, the Red Bull and vodka to keep me up past my bedtime? I ended up finding a happy and delicious happy medium. I started the day with a big glass of sangria – it was good, it was cold, it was worth the Points. After that, I stuck to light beer, and chose water when I was thirsty. I did pack a Fiber One bar, but never felt the need for it and didn’t get hungry until dinner time. Pizza, fries, barbecue pork, soft pretzels, burgers, nachos… what’s a girl to do? I ended up choosing corn on the cob (which was served plain – you could add butter but I didn’t) and getting a crabcake sandwich (which isn’t fantastic but at least it wasn’t fried and I only added horseradish, no mayo or tartar sauce). I had started the day with an omelet of Eggbeaters and low-fat cheese and a side of strawberries, for lunch I had some leftover salmon with baby carrots and celery slices with one wedge of Laughing Cow, so I made sure to not go bonkers earlier in the day. That being said, I did still go over my points, but I didn’t explode through them if I had made other dietary choices at Lilith Fair.
The day that made me feel guilty was Wednesday. I had to get to work at 6am, which meant to be able to nurse Emerson, get showered and dressed, eat, take care of the dogs, etc. I woke at 3:45am. OUCH. I did do a few crunches, a couple girly pushups, three sun salutations and ate a breakfast of oatmeal before leaving the house. But I was exhausted by time I climbed up the escalator at the Metro stop near my job. I had a cup of coffee with a bit of creamer. And then I had another. I brought with me a bag of strawberries and a bag of cherries. I ate the cherries. I drank a Nalgene bottle of water. I wanted potato chips, I wanted chocolate. I wanted filth, and this stuff wasn’t cutting it. I had a Fiber One bar with chocolate chips in hopes that it would curb my chocolate craving. Notsomuch. Then some department ordered catered lunch from Corner Bakery. Big fresh sandwiches with loads of lunchmeat, cheeses, mayo. They had chicken salad on pumpernickel that was beautiful enough to photograph (that sort of chicken salad with the grapes and walnuts). And worst of all, a huge basket of desserts. Mini bunt cakes, brownies, cookies, things stuffed with jelly or cream, and these really dense moist brownie/cheesecake combo things that I pink puffy heart to DEATH.
I stayed away. The conference room is catty-corner to my office and I even walked in the opposite direction to use the bathroom. And then they moved the leftover food to the kitchen, which is right across from my desk. I tried to ignore it. I got water, even got another cup of coffee. I considered another Fiber One bar but knew I would still have the craving but then also have gas. I drank more water. I ate my strawberries.
And then I caved. I ate half of a chicken salad sandwich, a ton of fresh veggies with about 2 tbsp of ranch dressing, and one of those cheesecake brownies. I even cut it in half, but went back for the second half. I was so angry at myself. Really, I wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t PMS-ing, I wasn’t deprived. I did it because I was having an utterly craptastic day. I was over-tired, over-stressed, and I decided I DESERVED that lunch.
I ate it, and still had a craptastic day. I worked almost 12 hours, had things go wrong, people piss me off, and just felt more and more icky as the day progressed. And that food did not help, it only increased the bad feeling.
Last night at my meeting we discussed feeding frenzies, eating in secret and why we binge. I shared my story of the Corner Bakery obsession, and how I ate it because I felt I deserved it. And how after, I felt as though I had abused myself. I already had a bad day, eating food I didn’t need or want was punishing myself even further.
This is one of those baby step lifestyle changes I was talking about – the ability to realize that “treating” myself was only abusing myself. I mean, logically I always knew this, but I could justify the heck out of anything (my dad always said I should have been a lawyer). Justifying that brownie, or whole box of pasta, or Frappucinno was just lying to myself and being mean to myself. And recognizing this and admitting this means I can move forward with less self-destructive habits.
I haven’t even removed 10 pounds of fat yet, but I feel as though I have removed about 50 pounds of bad habits. And though the scale isn’t showing me a lot of victories, I still feel victorious.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I hope you remember to love – REALLY love and respect yourself during it. It’s not about fitting into a certain size, catching the eye of a certain guy, or getting your mom off your back. It’s about giving yourself what you deserve – love, respect, and health.