So Glad it’s Friday…

I have been feeling better about myself lately (except for last night when I was day before getting period and trying on clothes and feeling like a fat saggy pale whale). I feel far more zen, more connected, calmer, happier about me and my life. And I can’t figure out what is the difference.

With Bonnaroo less than a month away and a promotion at my job, my free time is going towards prepping for Bonnaroo. Organizing my group, seeking out clothes and camping supplies, checking out bands from the lineup I don’t know so well, downloading new tunes. When I get home, I enjoy my hour of time with Emerson before I put her to bed, and then I chill with my husband – he has been cooking and baking a lot, and the longer warmer days means we can often enjoy dinner outside and away from the television. Emerson’s molars are sticking out of her gums now, which means she is getting better sleep (and I am getting better sleep).

Ever since the My Morning Jacket concert, I have been in a better frame of mind. My husband mentioned it the other week, and people at work say I seem less stressed. I just had something click in my mind.

Emerson is going to be just fine. She has all she needs – loving parents, a safe home, lots of activities. Enough diapers and clothes and toys. She is developing just fine, and I don’t need to study for a degree to ensure that. If her clothes don’t match or her hair is still sticky from her gummy hands when she goes to bed… she won’t die. She can get a bath tomorrow. I have stopped visiting baby-related blogs and message boards because I don’t think they are helping me. I see nurseries that are far cooler than Emerson’s, babies with sweet curls and cute little dresses, moms showing off new cloth diapers and eco-friendly toys that I covet. People complain about how hard it is to be a parent, to nurse, to do cloth diaper laundry, to have a good relationship with their husband. They talk about how they constantly have to defend their desire to babywear, to nurse, to formula feed, to cosleep, to use a crib, to vaccinate, to not vaccinate. It’s exhausting… and it also makes me start seeing drama in my life that really isn’t there. Mob mentality.

My husband loves me. And he loves me more when I try less. He doesn’t want a mother, he wants a wife. I need to let things go. I need to trust him, and let him run the house while I am at work. So he doesn’t clean the same way I do – no one is getting a bacterial infection from a dust bunny. So he doesn’t always cook meals I like – well for years he has been dealing with my cooking and never a complaint. He always said how lucky he was to have a wife who loved cooking for him. Well I am darn lucky to have a husband who loves cooking for me too. I love knowing that the food I consume was made with such love.

I have a great job, great friends, great family. The rest is gravy and the rest is unimportant.

I feel like a freaking hippie. But is that so bad? I feel positive, loving, sharing. And since I have turned that corner, I also seem far more connected to myself. I care more about what I look like and have a bit more creativity with my wardrobe. I want to write on this blog more, and less on my baby blog. I want to write again, and I think I have interesting things to say.

A couple weeks ago at my women’s group I brought up my blogging. I said during the discussion that I wondered if I was neglecting this blog and Wardrobe Oxygen because I didn’t feel that passion any more. Maybe it was time to change directions. Maybe I had a less-than-perfect birthing experience because I am supposed to use it to educate fellow women. Maybe my job now is to teach people how easy it is to cloth diaper, the options for pregnancy and childbirth, etc.

The next morning I woke up and knew that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I want to support other women who follow that passion, but my passion is still for fashion. This past year and a half has been such a crazy time. My life completely changed with the birth of Emerson. She is utterly glorious, but with it I lost my privacy, my personal time, my social life, my body, my direction. It has taken this year and a half to start reclaiming all of it, understanding how I still can have those things, but just in a different way. And that the happier and more connected I feel, the better of a mother and wife and friend and coworker I can be.

Now if I could just figure out how to squeeze five minutes with a self-timed camera on a tripod in an empty room every morning I could be better about posting on this blog!

Happy Friday everyone!

16 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    May 19, 2010 / 2:59 am

    I know what you mean. My daughter is now 18 years old, but I remember the first year waiting for things to go “back to normal” and one day I realized that this was my new “normal”. That’s pretty life changing.

    When I discovered beauty blogs two years ago, I loved it! All the tips, new products, fashion etc. But somehow slowly, it started to erode my confidence, I started to compare myself to all these pictures of models & celebrities. Just recently, I deleted a whole bunch of blogs I used to visit, and I just kept a handful. Not only am I spending less time on the computer, but my self esteem has gone up. And there is also less desire for me to spend on fashion/beauty items that I don’t really need. I was becoming dis-satisfied by what I had and what I looked like, I felt like I was missing out. Now I feel more centered and I’ve simplified things. Twenty years from now, I won’t remember the color of the nail polish I was wearing, but I’ll remember the experiences with family & friends.

  2. May 17, 2010 / 6:33 pm

    I love your blog and I can’t believe I didn’t know until now that you have a third one on the go! I have some catch up reading to do!

    I think one of the great things about it is the fact that you’re describing what you are going through and I’m sure many of us can relate. It doesn’t have to be all one or the other, so feel free to strike the balance that works for you. It’s still a fabulous read either way, and as someone already said, it makes it that much more “real”.

  3. FashionAddict
    May 17, 2010 / 4:32 am

    I love watching your journey because you are so honest and real when you write. You have a gift, missy ,so I hope you keep it coming. And whenever you get that tripod, I can’t wait to see the pics again.

  4. May 17, 2010 / 4:22 am

    Your post is so interesting to me, even though my child is now 14 and I am an “older” mother. I understand and applaud your ability to see so much of what is out there for moms can truly be overwhelming and can create drama where there is none and can make us feel like we are not enough, don’t have enough, etc. I hate to say it, but sometimes there is just too much information out there!

    I think your life sounds lovely, much different than my own but so modern and interesting! If the three of you are loved and healthy together, you have a LOT! I am glad you are finding so much to appreciate in your life.

  5. Erin
    May 16, 2010 / 6:45 pm

    It’s funny but a year and a half is exactly what it took for me to feel like myself again after both of my kids. With me, I am sure it is the hormone levels finally balancing off. I notice now, after a year and a half with my second that I am in the exact same spot I was with my first – ready to jump back into exercising, ready to kick ass at work, rock some new outfits and be the best mom I can be. Up until this point, both times, I felt like I was treading water, going through the motions I felt were required of me as a wife and mother. This spring, I am a full participant in my life again and it feels great.

  6. Anonymous
    May 16, 2010 / 5:38 pm

    So glad you’ve found some peace with your life. It’s hard, and three years after my son I still have days where I question who I’ve become.

    Not sure if you already know of them, but check out The Avett Brothers at Bonnaroo. They’re a combination of punk, bluegrass and rock, which somehow results in the best live show I’ve ever seen.

  7. May 16, 2010 / 2:25 pm

    Do you realize how many moms stop taking care of themselves and never look back? They stop taking the time to put together nice looking outfits, focus totally on the kids, throw their hair back into a lumpy ponytail or baseball cap, and shove their Nars blush and Chanel lip gloss to the back of the drawer? I give you BIG kudos for taking interest in yourself while working and taking care of your husband and Emerson! The fact that you ARE spending time focusing on yourself will be a big key in making everything else fall into place mentally/emotionally. If you feel negative about yourself, it will set the tone in your house. You’re on the right track, girl!
    Keep it up – I love reading your blog. And for the record, we’re trying to get preggers (on Clomid currently – so been trying for a while), and I love reading your blog BECAUSE you’re a mom! I love fashion, makeup, etc – but I, too, will continue with my job and am taking lots of notes from you on how to find the balance. So please believe that you ARE a source of inspiration!

  8. Anonymous
    May 16, 2010 / 2:40 am

    Shut the parts of the rest of the world out that don’t serve you! You and your family are awesome and, now that I think about it, helped me feel back on track after I had my 1st. I felt frumpy and unsure of my identity as a mom/woman/wife/new stay-at-homer, and I found you and suddenly felt confident that I could feel cute again. That was Dec 2007, and I’m lying in my bed now with my second son (8 weeks) beside me. I love your POV and am grateful you’re out there in the big, wide world.

  9. Anonymous
    May 16, 2010 / 12:01 am

    I am so glad to hear that you are going to focus on the original reason you started this blog! I have to admit I stopped reading your blog the past year because you were getting away from the fashion blog and giving us great ideas on how to look fashionable when we don’t have the perfect body. I am a mother of two children so it is not that I don’t like kids, but if I wanted to read a Mommy Blog I would, but that isn’t why I started reading yours years ago. Bravo on going back to the original feel of your blog!

  10. May 15, 2010 / 6:37 pm

    I can’t relate at all! =) I just turned 30, am not a mother, and my relationship that seemed to be the one just ended suddenly after almost 4 years. but I love love love this post because it is about balance, honesty, acceptance, and checking in with yourself.

    Thank you for sharing.

  11. May 15, 2010 / 1:32 pm

    I’m so glad you’re going to keep this blog and are feeling a bit more like yourself! Yours was my first fashion blog, and it’s still a favorite. I’ve missed you!

  12. Anonymous
    May 15, 2010 / 3:08 am

    It took me at least that long, if not a bit longer even to feel like my old self again. And after # 2, it was much sooner. That first baby does a number on your body and life and there is NO preparing for it. no matter what anyone tells you, or any blog or board or book, you just don’t know until you go through it yourself. It is the ultimate humbling experience!

    Cheers to getting yourself back – now the real fun can begin!

  13. May 15, 2010 / 1:56 am

    I’m glad that you are back in the groove of “you” and feeling better about things. I love your blogs – not matter what you write about!

  14. May 15, 2010 / 1:06 am

    I just want to say that you are an incredible mother and wife just the way you are. Its so easy to compare yourself to other moms in the blogs and on websites, but in the long run it just ends up making you feel inadequate. I struggled with this for years, I was a very young mother and it took me a long time to realize that I was a great mom just the way I was. Now, at 34, I wonder what it be like to have a child with the wisdom and confidence that I have now. Hang in there, it does get better 🙂 By the way, LOVE your blog, there has been many a day that you have inspired me with your style and unique ideas 🙂

  15. May 14, 2010 / 10:52 pm

    I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a soon to be 16 month old, and boy has it taken me awhile to feel comfortable with my body again. I’m so glad that things are ‘clicking’ and making sense for you. Welcome back to yourself, only wiser :).

  16. May 14, 2010 / 9:14 pm

    I’m glad you are feeling better about you! I so understand where you are coming from with other blogs. There are some that I read that inspire me, and some I read and they make me feel down about my own life. Enough of that! I don’t need to covet someone else’s life when I have a pretty great one myself. And neither do you. A husband who cooks and cleans? Awesome!

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