I have been feeling better about myself lately (except for last night when I was day before getting period and trying on clothes and feeling like a fat saggy pale whale). I feel far more zen, more connected, calmer, happier about me and my life. And I can’t figure out what is the difference.
With Bonnaroo less than a month away and a promotion at my job, my free time is going towards prepping for Bonnaroo. Organizing my group, seeking out clothes and camping supplies, checking out bands from the lineup I don’t know so well, downloading new tunes. When I get home, I enjoy my hour of time with Emerson before I put her to bed, and then I chill with my husband – he has been cooking and baking a lot, and the longer warmer days means we can often enjoy dinner outside and away from the television. Emerson’s molars are sticking out of her gums now, which means she is getting better sleep (and I am getting better sleep).
Ever since the My Morning Jacket concert, I have been in a better frame of mind. My husband mentioned it the other week, and people at work say I seem less stressed. I just had something click in my mind.
Emerson is going to be just fine. She has all she needs – loving parents, a safe home, lots of activities. Enough diapers and clothes and toys. She is developing just fine, and I don’t need to study for a degree to ensure that. If her clothes don’t match or her hair is still sticky from her gummy hands when she goes to bed… she won’t die. She can get a bath tomorrow. I have stopped visiting baby-related blogs and message boards because I don’t think they are helping me. I see nurseries that are far cooler than Emerson’s, babies with sweet curls and cute little dresses, moms showing off new cloth diapers and eco-friendly toys that I covet. People complain about how hard it is to be a parent, to nurse, to do cloth diaper laundry, to have a good relationship with their husband. They talk about how they constantly have to defend their desire to babywear, to nurse, to formula feed, to cosleep, to use a crib, to vaccinate, to not vaccinate. It’s exhausting… and it also makes me start seeing drama in my life that really isn’t there. Mob mentality.
My husband loves me. And he loves me more when I try less. He doesn’t want a mother, he wants a wife. I need to let things go. I need to trust him, and let him run the house while I am at work. So he doesn’t clean the same way I do – no one is getting a bacterial infection from a dust bunny. So he doesn’t always cook meals I like – well for years he has been dealing with my cooking and never a complaint. He always said how lucky he was to have a wife who loved cooking for him. Well I am darn lucky to have a husband who loves cooking for me too. I love knowing that the food I consume was made with such love.
I have a great job, great friends, great family. The rest is gravy and the rest is unimportant.
I feel like a freaking hippie. But is that so bad? I feel positive, loving, sharing. And since I have turned that corner, I also seem far more connected to myself. I care more about what I look like and have a bit more creativity with my wardrobe. I want to write on this blog more, and less on my baby blog. I want to write again, and I think I have interesting things to say.
A couple weeks ago at my women’s group I brought up my blogging. I said during the discussion that I wondered if I was neglecting this blog and Wardrobe Oxygen because I didn’t feel that passion any more. Maybe it was time to change directions. Maybe I had a less-than-perfect birthing experience because I am supposed to use it to educate fellow women. Maybe my job now is to teach people how easy it is to cloth diaper, the options for pregnancy and childbirth, etc.
The next morning I woke up and knew that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I want to support other women who follow that passion, but my passion is still for fashion. This past year and a half has been such a crazy time. My life completely changed with the birth of Emerson. She is utterly glorious, but with it I lost my privacy, my personal time, my social life, my body, my direction. It has taken this year and a half to start reclaiming all of it, understanding how I still can have those things, but just in a different way. And that the happier and more connected I feel, the better of a mother and wife and friend and coworker I can be.
Now if I could just figure out how to squeeze five minutes with a self-timed camera on a tripod in an empty room every morning I could be better about posting on this blog!
Happy Friday everyone!