I hate resolutions, they remind me of how much I leave things half-assed and incomplete. No college degree though five years at the university, love to write but never have done anything with it, love fashion but have never done anything with it, never have stuck to a New Year’s resolution.
As I put the cloth diapers from the washer to the dryer, I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. This is not a bad life, or a bad face, but this isn’t who I want to be or really who I actually am.
We yet again rearranged the living room. We love doing this because it really recharges the energy in the house. We have only had this house for a year and so much of this past year has just been catching up. So to rearrange is always bringing something new, and something more us into this new abode. He sat on one loveseat, I on the other. I had a glass of Prosecco, he a glass of red wine. We discussed getting a rug, a new piece of furniture to hold the TV. The new layout better displays our books, our faux Marcel Breuer Wassily chair. We discussed parties and book clubs and Toadie driving her car around the furniture. We felt more… who we really are.
I want to get back into yoga and ki gong because that was when I felt most connected to my body and soul. I don’t care about weight loss, but I want to be firmer so I can enjoy clothing and fashion again. I want to bring friends and loved ones into our house on a more regular basis and enjoy the energy and the excitement. I want to write more – this year was a writing wash – lots of drivel and writing more to keep readers on board instead of to share something interesting or useful or enlightening. This year writing was not fun, but I was not fun. I was so stressed and overwhelmed and robotic.
This year was about treading water, keeping afloat. A distressing birth experience, what I see now as a bout of PPD, dealing with a damaged and changed body, a completely different lifestyle, a different way that people saw me. Trying to regain my standing and respect at my job. Changed relationships with friends and with family. Different relationship with my husband and building a new relationship with my new favorite person – Emerson Elaine.
This year, I would like to be able to be able to breathe again. To have a chance to absorb what is going on around me and appreciate it. I would like to rebuild myself – not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Find my center. And by doing this, I will be a better spouse, friend and mother.
I know that when one is a parent, one’s life is not his own. My priority is no longer myself – I don’t have the time and money for regular pedicures or frappuccinos or yoga classes. But I do have the ability to prioritize and I know there is time for meditation as well as playing with Emerson and reading her books. Less Facebook and DVR, more writing and reading and contemplating.
So happy New Year to all my friends. I wish you a year where you are true to yourself, you listen to yourself, you love yourself. For when you care for yourself, you are a better person for those around you. And I will try to follow my own advice.