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I hate resolutions, they remind me of how much I leave things half-assed and incomplete. No college degree though five years at the university, love to write but never have done anything with it, love fashion but have never done anything with it, never have stuck to a New Year’s resolution.
As I put the cloth diapers from the washer to the dryer, I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. This is not a bad life, or a bad face, but this isn’t who I want to be or really who I actually am.
We yet again rearranged the living room. We love doing this because it really recharges the energy in the house. We have only had this house for a year and so much of this past year has just been catching up. So to rearrange is always bringing something new, and something more us into this new abode. He sat on one loveseat, I on the other. I had a glass of Prosecco, he a glass of red wine. We discussed getting a rug, a new piece of furniture to hold the TV. The new layout better displays our books, our faux Marcel Breuer Wassily chair. We discussed parties and book clubs and Toadie driving her car around the furniture. We felt more… who we really are.
I want to get back into yoga and ki gong because that was when I felt most connected to my body and soul. I don’t care about weight loss, but I want to be firmer so I can enjoy clothing and fashion again. I want to bring friends and loved ones into our house on a more regular basis and enjoy the energy and the excitement. I want to write more – this year was a writing wash – lots of drivel and writing more to keep readers on board instead of to share something interesting or useful or enlightening. This year writing was not fun, but I was not fun. I was so stressed and overwhelmed and robotic.
This year was about treading water, keeping afloat. A distressing birth experience, what I see now as a bout of PPD, dealing with a damaged and changed body, a completely different lifestyle, a different way that people saw me. Trying to regain my standing and respect at my job. Changed relationships with friends and with family. Different relationship with my husband and building a new relationship with my new favorite person – Emerson Elaine.
This year, I would like to be able to be able to breathe again. To have a chance to absorb what is going on around me and appreciate it. I would like to rebuild myself – not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Find my center. And by doing this, I will be a better spouse, friend and mother.
I know that when one is a parent, one’s life is not his own. My priority is no longer myself – I don’t have the time and money for regular pedicures or frappuccinos or yoga classes. But I do have the ability to prioritize and I know there is time for meditation as well as playing with Emerson and reading her books. Less Facebook and DVR, more writing and reading and contemplating.
So happy New Year to all my friends. I wish you a year where you are true to yourself, you listen to yourself, you love yourself. For when you care for yourself, you are a better person for those around you. And I will try to follow my own advice.
I agree with Jean–this may be your best post, because it’s so unbelievably honest. I’m really looking forward to continuing reading your blog in the coming year.
Happy new year! Your post about looking rich was one of the best things I read in 2009. Seriously, it spurned a whole fashion and wardrobe shakeup for me. I’m looking forward to whatever comes next!
We “met” years ago on the FC forums, and I’ve enjoyed your blog for years.
This is your BEST post ever. It is raw, authentic and holds contagious energy. (See what happens when we rearrange the furniture! LOL!)
I also do not make resolutions. Like you, I tend to observe, evaluate and keep moving.
All the best to you and your sweet family in the New Year,
Southern Belle says
Reading this is so funny to me, because I can’t imagine a woman more together and more awesome than you! Having a four month old myself, I have felt that total lack of energy for myself. But I feel like I have recovered from the pregnancy and birth 10x as fast because I have read your blogs! There were so many days when I wanted to put on yoga pants and a faded tee but I didn’t because I thought of you and how easy it would be to just put on some jeans and feel better about myself. It was this “What Would Allie Do?” mantra (he he). And it worked. I am being totally serious when I say that I don’t think that I could have bounced back without you. Plus I’ve gotten some pretty kickass diaper advice and the fact that I don’t have to deal with the smell of the disposables this time around is enough to make me jump for joy!
Definitely do prioritize some time for yourself. I had my son when I was in college and that experience definitely taught me how to manage time. You will be me amazed at how you can cull out time for yourself when you try. And pedicures are wonderful to do at home–I have recently taught my 10 year old how to do them, and we do spa nights together on the regular–something to look forward to doing with Emerson and so cheap!
Anyway, I hope the New Year brings you much joy and much time and much fashion.
Don’t stop posting. You are my shape. I don’t need to see pix of models. I know how something looks on you is how it will look on me.
I am a long time reader of your blog(s). I took an interest in your blog because your body shape was similar to mine and it was nice to see what clothing options you provided. My interest continued when you got pregnant…I found out I was expecting around the same time you announced you were expecting! I have loved reading your honest take on parenting, breast feeding, etc!
While you may feel that the blogs you have written are just drivel, they are still interesting to your devoted readers! You continue to write about things that are interesting to us…clothing, work, baby issues, etc! I appreciate the fact that you don’t sugar coat your world as so many blogs do! You write about your days, good and bad. It’s refreshing.
I wish you the best in 2010 and hope that you achieve all that you are working toward…especially being able to breathe again! As new mothers, we have to stick together. It makes the hard days that much easier.
Keep your head up and know that your readers aren’t reading your blog for hard-hitting news. We’re reading it because we enjoy what you have to say!
And I would love if you kept writing your fashion post…show us how (on a budget) to re-work our wardrobe!
Please don’t be so hard on yourself! I love your blog, and NEVER think of it as drivel. I miss you so much when you don’t post- and smile so big when the page opens and it is something new!
You make me realize that even though perhaps I don’t have a ‘perfect’ body, I can still be ‘utterly gorgeous…beautiful and stylish’! I can’t wait to read what you have in store for 2010!
Be gentle and patient with yourself.
Have a beautiful 2010.
Kara P. says
Thank you for such an open and honest post. Reading blogs of fellow mothers often leaves me wondering how they seem to be able to do it all and do it in such a fabulous way. It’s nice to see that we all struggle to do what we really want and not just make it through the day.
I hope you find the balance you’re looking for and that you include us all in your journey.
Allie, you are really an inspiring person, and this was an inspiring and beautifully written post. I think it is amazing that you have kept this blog up as well as you have, and that you have not lost yourself amidst so many life changes. I have seen many of my friends completely spiral downward after having a child, and you seem to actually enjoy yourself and your family. I also admire your commitment to being green (you inspired me to give up “baggies” and just use tupperwear). Best of luck with everything in the new year. I don’t think you have half assed anything that matters in 2009 🙂
Just to chime in with the others, yes, I totally understand a rough year. I had one myself, so hopefully we can both get back on track in 2010! I’m so glad you’re back and look forward to hearing from you this year!
Allie, another long time reader of your blog. Please don’t be so harsh on yourself. Those of us who are already mothers TOTALLY understand what has happened to your life. It has happened to all of us. It will get better this year and you will eventually get your MOJO back.
I’m also a long time fan of your blogs (both of them) and I don’t think your year was bad either! But I do hope that you’ll be able to have more “me” time, if that is what you think you need!
I wish you and your family a healthy and peaceful new year.
As a long time fan of your blog, I’ve held through this year and I have to tell you – it hasn’t been that bad. I believe your readers understand the life change that you’re going through and are all waiting for your to have the time and energy to devote back to writing.
I hope that you are able to have more time for yourself in 2010 and to feel more in tune. Can’t wait to read your blog for the years to come [and the book that I know you’ll eventually be able to do.]