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“If you don’t think Beyonce doesn’t cry in the shower every so often you’re wrong.”
I’m married to such a great person. Karl said this to me Saturday morning. Friday night I cried in the shower. And for some, the shower may muffle the cries, but the way our house is laid out I think the shower amplifies them. Karl was at the door, and then Emerson, but I couldn’t stop. I was tired, sick, in pain, and overwhelmed and my body just needed to cry.
This week was tough on many levels. It started with me beginning personal training, which made me realize how very out of shape I am and how desperately I needed to start this. The first day was legs and I was breezing through it feeling like a BAMF and then the next morning I couldn’t walk. Like rolled out of bed, pulled my body up by the bedpost, crying out when trying to bend to use the toilet. For two days, I walked semi-hunched because my hip flexors and quads decided they were on strike. When the legs got better, it was then arms and back that were worked, and by time those calmed down we did cardio which left my calves crying and they’re still sniffling and dabbing away tears today.
Then Tuesday I got what Emerson and Karl had the past weekend. Coughing, sneezing, headache, chest congestion, and exhaustion. Oh, did I mention I was also having my period? I received confirmation that the lump in my breast is nothing at all to worry about and once I got that I finally felt the feels for being in that moment last week. With my period, and legs not working, and chest and head full of snot, and uncontrollable coughing. All while shooting outfit photos for the blog in 30-degree windy weather. Good times.
Thursday I felt much better and with some Musinex DM I was ready to party with ELOQUII. They invited me to host their holiday party at their store in the DC area. We had treats, champagne, a selfie area, a lipsologist who would read your personality from your lip print, and plenty of fab fashion. It was a really great time. I love working with ELOQUII, the people behind the scenes are some of the nicest folk and so many wonderful people attended. It was a great night, but my first day of feeling well it left me drained. Even the lipsologist said I was spread too thin, too hard on myself, and that I needed to get away very soon, at least three days of R&R by myself without work.
This was a week full of blog finance and administrative stuff. The blog? Still acting up. Took several calls and email threads with brands, companies, and services. Some left me feeling inspired, but most left me wondering why I decided to make this my full-time job.
I know a base number I need to bring in each month to cover the bills and basic family needs. When you blog for a long time, you see patterns and can kind of gauge you’re going to make a minimum each month, and which months are bigger ones so you can scrimp and save to balance out the year. This week I worked on a contract for 2018 that was so stressful because it affects a good portion of that monthly minimum. Previous years, I could easily say hellz naw when I got an offer that I didn’t like, but now with it literally feeding my family I can’t be so flippant. It takes an emotional toll, trying to support your family without selling your soul.
Friday I went to personal training, took Emerson to school, wrote my newsletter, sent out a bunch of invoices and followed up on emails, took three different work calls, wrapped some presents, picked Emerson up from school, and then took a 45 minute nap. The entire nap was spent coughing up a lung and thinking of all the things I need to get done. I got up and went to take a shower since I didn’t fit one in earlier after working out. I had 40 minutes until I had to take Emerson to a Girl Scouts sleepover and attend a parents’ meeting for the troop parents. The water hit my shoulders and I broke down.
I got out of the shower and Emerson brought made me a drink she and K made of orange vanilla seltzer with a lemon twist (so cute). I dried my hair and pulled myself together and was only 10 minutes late to the meeting. Sitting around a table with a group of parents I’ve known for the past four years who have such great kids but we’re sharing our real life trials and tribulations with them grounded me. Before I left, Emerson raced upstairs in her narwhal nightgown to give me a hug goodnight and to tell me she loved me.
I came home, Karl and I had the home to ourselves. We snuggled on the couch and watched an episode of Riverdale (I shared in my newsletter how I’m obsessed with this show, it’s so beautiful to look at and a nice replacement for Gossip Girl) and were upstairs before 10. Lying in bed next to Karl in our home, our kid safe and sound at a friend’s house surrounded by her besties, I started to cry again, but this time tears of happiness. Life is super overwhelming right now physically and emotionally, but this is a good life. I feel really blessed. How many people get to follow their dream gig at 42 years of age? This week Karl took one of my brand calls with me since it involves cooking and photography. It was the first time he got involved beyond discussing strategy or scheduling and we both really enjoyed collaborating together on another level. To be able to do this, and with such a great family who supports me is pretty phenomenal. Thursday night at ELOQUII was also pretty phenomenal, to be able to partner with a brand, be completely myself, and have such a great time surrounded by such great people. And even the negotiations this week that tore up my stomach and made me doubt myself at times, I was able to negotiate and come to a compromise without me feeling like I got the short end of the stick or that I’m selling out.
It may be over a month, but I’m just getting started. I need to be more gentle with myself, give myself time. It’s hard when your mind is swirling with ideas, your inbox is overflowing, and you know the fate of your family’s future rests in your hands (and your blog). But I’m learning, I’m growing, and though I likely will have many more cries in the shower, I still think I’m doing the right thing.