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I didn’t recap my outfits. I didn’t share the best swag, the best buys, the best beauty of the year. I didn’t do a blog in review (though there’s a draft version I chose not to post) and I didn’t write about my goals for the New Year.
I didn’t because every time I felt false and hollow. I’ve felt false and hollow for a few months now. I’m not sure if it’s because of the election, the winter, stress, or a combination of all of it.
I don’t like the cold, I especially dread the winter after breaking my arm thanks to black ice. There’s some big changes coming down the pike at work and I dread them as well. We all know I monetize this site and the last two months of the year I can bring in as more than I do from January to June if I play it right. I never play it right. This year I had high hopes, wrote out an editorial calendar, had topics chosen for each day that I thought would feel authentic and planned to end the year on a high note. But by Thanksgiving I lost the desire. I’ve gained back all the weight I lost in 2016 and then some and with it gained back trouble sleeping and the occasional back pain. We hosted Thanksgiving, my mom closed on her new home, we hosted Christmas, we helped my mom move part of her life into her new home, we celebrated New Year’s Eve, and now the snowball starts. Take down the tree, celebrate Emerson’s birthday, celebrate my mom’s birthday, celebrate my sister’s birthday, protest the patriarchy, throw in a Girl Scout sleepover, celebrate my birthday, have a major project at work, celebrate Valentine’s day which includes making valentines for 26 2nd graders, sell Girl Scout cookies, get the taxes done, work Girl Scout cookie booths, then breathe April 1.
I sort of left blogging the same time I took leave from work between Christmas and New Year’s. I felt I needed time to recharge, get back my mojo. It’s January 3rd, I don’t have it yet… but I’m working on it.
New Year’s Eve I ate steak and drank all the alcoholic beverages and nibbled on cute little sugary confections and woke up feeling like total ass. I’m going back to no alcohol except for special occasions (and a blogger event, Friday night after a crappy week, or a Date Night is not special enough). Cutting down on the gluten, cutting out most dairy and red meat. Karl and I did this last year with great success until our road trip and it’s been a slog getting back into it. But I’m going to do it. I remember how good it felt, it’s worth it.
My hair’s getting thin. Karl is the one who noticed it before me, I just thought my volumizer wasn’t working. I’ve taken Viviscal for two months and it seems to be helping. I also know it’s stress, and I need to reduce that to regain some of the hair.
I started seeing a therapist, but my insurance didn’t cover it and when I ran out of HSA funds I stopped. My therapist gave me the names of a few people in-network I plan to check out, I’m also considering Talkspace. There’s no shame in the therapy game; the most powerful, successful, and confident looking people do it. If you’re considering it and hesitant listen to this very short F*it podcast, it inspired me to keep going with it.
I'm moving more and in different ways. I find when I get in a slump I slump, and often slump in a bed or on a couch. My sister showed me how the Health app on the iPhone tracks your steps, miles, and floors climbed even if you have never activated the app. Even if today is one step more than yesterday, it's progress.
I’m getting Lasik this week. Tomorrow, in fact is the day. I’ve been TERRIFIED but I want to swim. I want to camp more easily, I want the freedom. I want to do it before I get klutzy when removing my contacts and put my eye out. I hate wearing glasses. I’m wearing them right now and I can’t wait until I don’t have to any more. I’ll be sure to share my experience.
I was overdue for the dentist so I went. And I’m going back to get my last two silver fillings switched for tooth-colored resin and to get a mild bleaching (Catherine you inspired me!). I don’t want white white (or as my dentist said, porcelain toilet white), just a shade whiter to keep me from heading into Old Lady Yellowville. I’ll let you know how it goes.
We bought a new computer. How can I run a blogging business from a years-old HP laptop? It’s supposed to arrive some time today. I’ll be spending 2017 trying to figure out a Mac after eons of being a PC gal. Wish me luck.
I joined ChloeDigital. I learned about it, told my friend Beth, she signed up right away and raved so much about it I joined. Best decision I made for blogging. If you're a fish out of water with WordPress or just overwhelmed with the techie parts of blogging, it's the best money spent. If you want to know more, ask in the comments or email me, I'm happy to share my experience.
I did this iPhone hack so if it’s 2am and I wake up and check the time or even my email, I’m not blasting my brain with blue light and screwing up my sleep cycle. It seems to be helping.
I wrote this post, which my friend Jessica told me to write. It made me feel like my blog isn’t all false and hollow. I also started the charity feature on Sundays. I’ve missed a few Sundays because of the lack of mojo, but I’m going to continue this through 2017.
I removed Facebook and Twitter from my phone (don't worry, I'm not getting rid of the blog accounts or letting them lapse). I took a break from Snapchat because it didn’t seem necessary for the blog, but realized I missed it because it’s a truly fun form of social media, free from (at least with who I follow) humblebrags, politics, and posturing.
I cleaned out my lingerie drawer of anything with holes, stretched out, ill-fitting, or past its prime. This is my favorite bra and continues to be even as my size fluctuates, but I also ordered this one and this one because I craved something pretty under my heavy sweaters and coats.
I’m surrounding myself with good stuff. Meditation apps, inspiring books and podcasts, lots of water and unsweetened green tea and oranges and slippers and cashmere and these eye pads which make my bags disappear if only for a couple hours. I’m waking up at 5:30 again so I can have alone quiet time to meditate, to stretch, to go out on the deck with Cindy (my dog) and look at the dark sky and breathe the cold yet fresh air. Oh, and I bought a new pillow.
I remember that one small step each day is better than none at all.
I remember every end of the year/beginning of the next is like this and by March, I get back my mojo.
I also remember that every January I make all sorts of resolutions that I can’t keep or find to be too restrictive. So this year I have none. I resolve to stop with the resolutions. I resolve to take care of myself, right now. And if you’re starting 2017 not feeling inspired or like you have a fresh start, you’re not alone. One small step each day is better than none at all.
I hesitated to write this for fear the comment section would be full of suggestions on what I should do to feel better. Tips on losing weight, exercising, finding spirituality or religion. When one offers such suggestions not just to me but to anyone, it doesn't always come across as from a place of kindness. Also it's often suggested without knowing the whole story. The best way to help a friend who is going through a rough patch is to provide an ear to listen, arms to hug, and opportunities to feel love, experience a lot of laughter and security. If they want advice, I promise, they'll ask for it.