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When I got engaged, I was 27 and a size 12. Karl bought me a ring in a size 8 which fit perfectly in November 2002 when he proposed, but was a bit snug in the warmer months when hands swell.
When I got engaged, I went on a diet. Actually, I went on a few different diets, finally settling on the South Beach Diet. By time I was having my wedding dress altered, I was a size 10. This was the time when we also bought my wedding band, also a size 8.
I got married in June of 2004. By August, wearing both rings was uncomfortable. By December, I was down to just wearing my engagement ring, only putting on the wedding band for social situations. When I got pregnant, the engagement ring no longer fit. I would try to squeeze it on occasionally, but couldn’t wear for long before it got uncomfortable.
I shared on the blog when thanks to Weight Watchers I was able to fit my ring again. But that didn’t last. I stopped Weight Watchers when I saw myself adopting bad habits to stay within my points. I haven’t been able to wear any of my wedding set for more than a couple hours for many years.
This made me feel bad, every time I opened my jewelry box and saw that gorgeous engagement ring Karl bought me. He picked it out himself, I had no say, he just knew me and my style so well. And now I was too fat to wear it. I felt bad about my body, I had no willpower, my priorities were clearly out of whack when I would choose sleep over the gym. It was as clear as that ring collecting dust, judging me.
I am constantly preaching on this blog to buy clothing in the size you are now, not the size you used to be or hope to be or just know you will be if you do X, Y, or Z. Yet here I am, not wearing my most prized accessory because my body doesn’t fit in it.
So last month I got my engagement ring resized. Why the hell did I wait so long? I waited so long because I felt I didn’t deserve it because I didn’t get myself thin again. Thin to a size that even then, 29 and never had a baby, was still hard to maintain.
But I do deserve it. This body deserves it, no matter what size or shape it is. My love for my husband and his love for me haven’t changed even though both of our bodies have changed with the time we have been married. The only person who was punishing me for gaining weight was myself.
We often punish ourselves without even realizing it. No one else sees us as fat, or ugly, or lazy, or bad but we do and we restrict, chastise, criticize, withhold, and feel shame for this invisible fault. And doing this doesn’t improve us, it only makes us feel guilty and resentful.
So buy the dress, eat the dessert, take your shoes off and go on the dancefloor. And resize that ring because you deserve to wear it. Right now, just the way you are.