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I do not care if you are a size 2 or a size 22, some fashion is just WRONG WRONG WRONG. It may look lovely on the Marc Jacobs runway, but in reality – just pass Go. You will find that same article of clothing on the clearance rack in three weeks.
In general, if something is super hot haute, it's not worth your money. Those of us reading (and writing!) this blog are not billionares, we need pieces that can last more than one wear, that can blend with our current wardrobe, that do make us look like fashion victims.
It's Fall 2005. The magazines and fashion shows have brought us gorgeous colors, luxe fabrics and adorable shoes. They have also brought us several no-nos. I have accumulated a few “trendy” and “classic” fashion don'ts.
Micha Barton and Sienna Miller may be wearing them under dresses and denim cutoffs, but that doesn't mean they translate to every day wear in suburbia. Honestly, look at these girls. Do they really look better in those leggings than say, a bias cut crepe cocktail dress or even a pair of low-rise jeans? Leggings look worse alone. They may be comfy, they may be easy, but they are far from flattering. They hug to your not so pretty curves and make you look like an ice cream cone. The only thing they are making look slim are your ankles. Skinny ankles makes any middle look larger. Tight fabric on a rear makes one's backview bigger. Leggings are a no-no. Even at the gym – go with yoga pants. You'll be more comfortable and look better too.
2. Classic Fit Jeans.
These are the jeans that start at your belly button or a smidge above. Relatively slim fit, though sometimes a bit more relaxed in the hip/thigh/seat area. Finishing to a slim fit right at the top of the shoe. Back in the late 80's, early 90's these jeans often had a zipper at the ankle to ensure the slim fit on the leg. In the mid-90's these jeans often came with slits on the ankle. Runways may show higher waistbands or slimmer legs, but these jeans will never be fashionable or flattering. Jeans at the belly button or higher may make the waist look small, but will make the area between there and your crotch look – inflated. Normal women usually carry a bit of padding in that area already – why wear jeans that draw attention to that? As for the slim leg – see my comment on leggings. Skinny legs make what is perched on those legs seem larger. No one wants to make their butt, thighs, hips AND belly look bigger!
3. Tunic Sweaters.
But they go so well with leggings! If you think this, please return to #1. One may think that tunic sweaters cover a multitude of sins. They are cozy. They cover the ass. They're comfortable. Yes to all of them, but you can find comfort and ass coverage other ways. Sweaters are bulky. They hit the breasts and head straight down. They bunch up on the butt. They make everything look bigger and more… vague. Is that a firm bust or a sack of potatoes under that tent? Who knows with all that yarn. Tunics make a person look shorter. They make the top part look unusually large and stocky. Often said tunics come with turtlenecks which make you look as though you have a shrunken head and huge body. No, they are not acceptable with leggings, with jeans, with a mini skirt (though that lookw as hot in the 80's) or with anything else. Find comfort in a sweater that does not go past your hips and does not dwarf you in fabric. By having less fabric, you look smaller.
4. Athletic Style Clothing for Non-Athletic Events. this is not attire for the mall, for the movies, for the grocery store. Why is it that women feel the need to wrap their body in noisy plastic material that can double as a Halloween costume of the Michelin man? I think these pieces are popular for the same reason tunic sweaters are popular. They are big, they are comfortable, they cover. Yes they cover, like a tarp covers up a pile of firewood. It's about as attractive as well. Not to be mean, but it seems that the heavier we women (and men!) are, the more we migrate toward athletic wear. it doesn't make much sense, and it looks ridiculous. Anyway,. who wants to make swish swish sounds as they walk anyway? If you want comfort, try a knit zip-up hoodie with yoga pants. You can still have comfort, but you wills till have your figure and your self respect.
5. Dressing Like a Child.
This seems to happen first to new moms. I understand you want to bond with your child, but that does not mean you have to dress like him. Yes, you like Mickey Mouse or the Tazmanian Devil. That does not mean it has to be appliqued on your back. I like Barbies, I have a collection, yet I do not own a single piece of clothing with Barbie on it. Why? Because I am an adult. I can show my whimsy and fun through my actions, not though poorly fitting clothing with silkscreening. If you are old enough to have sex with your Significant Other and produce a child, you are too old to dress like a preschooler.
6. Fake Designer Duds From Last Season. But you don't read the fashion mags, you have no clue what is hip and what is passe. Then why are yousporting those pink shearling boots, a white pleather purse with rainbow logos and a fake lock hanging from the zipper, a newsboy cap in an itchy tweed, a terrycloth smoked top tube dress/tunic over torn jeans? If you can't stay current, if you don't have an unending wardrobe budget, don't try to fool others with knock-offs. They rarely ever look legit, and usually by time the knock-off hits the stores, the fashionistas have discarded the original. A hint – if they are selling a version in Wal Mart or Payless Shoes, it's probably passe. The way to show money is to use it wisely. Watch TV and the Internet. Read magazines. If the hot color of the season is purple, buy something purple, but something that if worn next season doesn't scream “LAST YEAR!!!” The hot thing is turquoise jewelry? Buy a necklace, not a purse, belt, cowboy boots and tiara of turquoise. If it seems extreme and is in a discount store, it's usually because it has had it's fifteen minutes of fame and needs to be retired. If it's in every single department store in every department and on every shopper, it means it will be at Goodwill in a year. So take your ponchos, faux Ugg boots, “I've Got The Golden Ticket” tee shirts, sunglasses with the rhinestone heart on the lens, anything Dukes of Hazzard, green pleather shoes/belt/purse/headband combo and donate or discard. You will look much more trendy without these “fashion victim” pieces.
A tip is if you are uncomfortable with fashion and fads, go basic. Pants in solid neutrals like black, khaki, camel, gray and brown. Tops in basic styles and solid colors you like looking at on a regular basis. Coats and blazers should be simple, clean lines. I have a wool coat I bought in 1998 and still wear and get compliments on. I have sweaters I wear that I bought in college. The reason I can achieve this is because I bought basics. I didn't fall to the trends of shoulder pads, applique, tassels or bows.
Shoes need to be updated regularly – rarely does a pair of boots from 1995 look current now. Same with purses. Unless you go high-end and baby them, these two pieces will show wear and show their fashion season after a year or two. Every year you should reassess your shoe and bag collection. What needs to go to the cobbler? What needs to be tossed? You can wear cheaper clothes if your shoes and bag look smart. Get them reheeled, keep them polished. Watch the trends for heel and toe boxes. If you can't afford every trend, go with clean, simple lines. 1-2″ heel, not chunky, not skinny. A toe box that is neither terribly round or pointy. Forego the platforms, the embellishments, the funky fabrics. Leather for day, crepe for night and you'll be safe for a few seasons.